TOPICS isn’t very handy. You’re on the wrong page for tips on fishing. Or welding. Or stencilling a bird on a greeting card.

Nope. We don’t know our toolbox whatsit from our safety harness doovalacky. Which is why, when a web commenter weighed in on the Wallsend Presbyterian Church noticeboard, we turned to someone a bit more down-to-earth.

The church noticeboard, in case you missed it, declared, ‘‘Even tradies know you need both male and female joints to make a marriage’’.

The church’s session clerk Doug Smiley confirmed it was a dig at a proposal in Federal Parliament to legalise same-sex marriage.

‘‘God created man and woman to procreate children,’’ Mr Smiley added.

In the comments section in the web coverage, ‘‘Horse’’ hit back.

‘‘You can connect two male ends with a socket or two female ends with a nipple,’’ posted Horse. ‘‘Geez do some research.’’

Male ends. Female ends. Nipples. Who names these things?

We set off in search of a nipple.

It didn’t take long. We were shown a wall of them in a hardware behemoth in Kotara, by an employee who was no-nonsense personified.

(Sigh. We wish we were no-nonsense. We’re pretty much all nonsense.)

A socket, it turns out, can indeed connect two male bits. Likewise, a nipple connects two female bits. We parted with $5.95 and walked out with a nipple, and the knowledge the church noticeboard should technically be changed.

To something like, oh, we don’t know, ‘‘With a $5.95 adaptor, either male and male or female and female bits make a marriage’’.

Even Topics writers know that.

On our way back from the hardware store, we checked the noticeboard of St John’s Anglican Church at Cooks Hill.

The one that’s previously read ‘‘OMG’’ and ‘‘Share a Coke with a Christian’’.

It didn’t have anything about same-sex marriage.

‘‘Playgroup is back, Wednesday 10am.’’